SEASON OF THE BALD HEAD

Weak roots,
Hair leaves,
Autumn.

Fuck the name!!!

“Fuck- The Name” is a satirical autobiography of the boy, whose parents monikered him with the name “Fuck”. Only 25 years old, Fuck is already soaring high with cool laurels and various awards to his account, with the release of his book. Already a movie in progress too!!!
This book traces his journey of living with the name, understanding the fact that why his parents named him this and thus enjoying whatever the ramifications were.

Infinitely stupid, refreshingly insane and increasingly demented, this book is a must read.

AN EXTRACT:

I was named “Fuck” by my parents. In the initial years, somehow I never understood why people would give me very curious and undecipherable expressions on knowing my name was “Fuck”.

I remember I was six years old when I confronted my parents for the first time regarding my name. I was browsing through the dictionary and happened to pass by the meaning of “Fuck”. I was stunned. Why me, was the first thought that came to me? I felt so dumb, so stupid and so insulted. Why would any parent want their child to be named after a swear word, why? What made them so proud? How? Why? When? Where? These questions were spinning in to my mind, imagine, a six year old, contemplating so much….

I ran to my mom. I asked her:
“Mommy, (showed the dictionary) why?”
“Oh, son, we were about to tell you this…”
I started crying. My father said to my mom, “Mary, tell him.”
My mom began. “Son, when you were delivered, I said “Fuck” indicating a sigh of relief. And that is when your father suggested, lets name him that…I said what? Are you crazy. But then he told me it’s different, its unique and no one has it…”

“But mom, you could have named me Adam, Dick,Jack…anything why this???”. I was ashamed to say even my name.

My mom replied, “What is so special in those names? Nothing. A man is known by his name. Look if you were named Jack, peopled would add an “Ass” and call you Jackass, if it was dick, you know what a “dick” means? And Adam is the oldest name on the face of this earth. Why do you want such common names. And besides an astrologer told me to name you something different so that you would be famous.” (here I am writing my own autobiography at the age of 25!!)

Slowly but surely I gulped down the fact. One day I happened to hear the lecture of Rajnish (Osho). He was speaking about the use of word “Fuck”!!! Here’s what he said:

“I feel soft when you use the word fuck. What to do? It is one of the most beautiful words. English language should be proud of it. I don’t think any other language has any such beautiful word. It is one magical word. Just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.

In lingo it falls into many grammatical categories, it can be used as a verb , both transitive and intransitive. John fucked Eve. Eve was fucked by John. And as a noun. Mary is a fine fuck. It can be used as an adjective. Mary is fucking beautiful as you can see there are not many words with the versatility of fuck. Besides these meaning there are following uses.

Ignorance : Fuck if I know
Trouble: I guess I’m fucked now
Aggression : Fuck u
Displeasure : What the fuck is going on here?
Difficulty : I can’t understand dis fucking job
Incompetence: He is a fuck off.
Suspicion : What the fuck are you doing?
Enjoyment : I had a fucking time.
Request: Get the fuck outta here
Hostility : I am going to knock your fucking head off
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Apathy: who gives a fuck?
Surprise:fuck u scared d shit outta me
Anxiety: m fuckingly nervous bout exams

And it is very healthy too. If every morning you do it as a transcendental meditation just when you get up d 1st thing, repeat the mantra “fuck u” 5 times.’’

You saw that? Wasn’t what he said really cool? Now who wouldn’t love such a name!!!
Today I am in a position to say I love my name and wouldn’t change it for anything.
And I have learnt that my name is very therapeutic. How do people remove their aggression?? Don’t they call me??

Now, I don’t understand why people restrict the use of this word in public places, especially in front of girls? How would these people call me then? Why is it banned? Why are there three asterisks at the end? What is so objectionable about this word that movies and sitcoms have to edit it???

I hope my name removes this usage barrier…
No parents were born to show such inexplicable courage to name their kid “Fuck” and no son was born to display unfathomable ability to “live” with this name!!!

SHOVE IT UP YOUR NOSE...

An interview with the most famous nose digger of all times: Mr. Leon. He is considered a legend in the field of nose-digging and as a pioneer of the same. His 18,900 page thesis on nose digging has successfully found its place in The Indian Library. Here’s a tête-à-tête with “The Snout Prodigy.”

Me : What are the possible ways in which one can dig their nose?

Leon: Having researched on this topic for 20 years, I have found that with the evolution of man there was also an evolution in nose digging methods. While the Neanderthal man who didn’t have enough tools used their index finger most of the time, it is found that the modern day man uses fingers, pens, pencils and other round objects which can comfortably be shoved up into the noses.

Me: (itch in my nose): Aren’t pens and pencils supposed to be tools for writing?


Leon: Of course they are still!!! Now, imagine you are in the middle of some very important work which requires the use of pen in it. And then the itch begins. And you know how horrendous it can be, to bear the prickle in your nose. You feel like going inside your nose, and scratch and scuff until you are satiated. At the same time, you don’t want to smear your hands. What is the best next alternative? Do it with your pen!!!

Me: (restrains): Such amazing observation, I must tell. But tell me, isn’t it embarrassing to dig your nose in someone’s presence?

Leon: Well, the world has advanced so much, you know. People no longer think what others will think of them. I don’t know why “ethics” are attached to “nose-digging”. I consider it as a natural process. Still you would be surprised to know, according to my statistics, 25% of the people prefer digging their noses in toilets, 10% by placing their heads down, 15% when they are alone in their homes, 20% while traveling especially in buses, 5% while reading and talking on the phone,5% sniff hard so that the itch goes away and 20% in front of everyone.. You know a student of mine said an amazing thing on nose digging:

Nose digging, as it is termed as dishonorable and immoral and unethical when you are in a social congregation, is in fact just a way of cleansing the body of all the defilement one has. Don’t you shit? I would also like to mention that it is much better than farting in public. While farting has its own disadvantages like polluting the ambience and the emission of Methane, whose stench we all know is excruciating, Nose digging has no such effects.

Me: (sniffs with the hope that the itch will go away): Very well said. What is it in nose digging that attracts you so much?
Leon: Oh, there are so many aspects!!! I can just go on raving about this topic!!
I love the expressions on people’s faces when they dig their nose. I have so many snaps taken!! They are hilarious, most of the people widen their eyes, while their faces are elongated, the mouth gapes and voila, the finger is in the nose!! Then I observe in which direction they throw the removed dreg. Some of them just throw it carelessly, some throw it wherever they are seated, some will wipe it up on their clothes, and others will “introspect” the dreg as if it is some object of exploration!! Now you say, isn’t this all so mesmerizing?

Me (grows restless): Indeed, it is!! What happens to the noses of people who don’t have hands?
Leon: *Tears well up in his eyes * : I have so much sympathy for these people, the poor things are devoid of the pleasure of digging noses with their own hands and have to be dependent on others. Tell me, what satisfaction do these people get? But I am taking the help of technology for providing the liberation from “itch” for these people…

Me (gets up): Thank you for the interview!!! I didn’t know nose digging was such a dynamic topic.
Leon: My pleasure, if at all you wish to study on this topic, I have three institutes for a certified course on nose digging.

Me( runs to the toilet!!!)…..

Title courtesy : (Om Prakash Makhija)

The Congenital Feminist…

Yet again, a feminist post after “why Mumbai hates its women?” and “the pee thing..”….I am sorry!!! I just can’t let go my feminist side off..!!




I am increasingly going ballistic over the rampant surge in eve teasing..Grrrr…* clenches fist!!* …just about everywhere you walk. anywhere!!!


a) The first types of eve teasers are those who will eye you with the most lecherous eye ever and then when you are near, they will pass the most lewd comments like “item”, “rocking babe”, “sexy”, “wah wah”, “kya maal hai”, “oiee hoye chikni” and some will take the hard work of Ahem-ing Ahem-ing their throat and shower you with not-likeable-at-all-and-death-of-the-ear-on-hearing songs!! Yes… its unbearable…it really is…I sometimes feel like smashing their skull out and giving it to them in their own hands, twisting their arms and kicking their unmentionables!!..aarghhhh..and and whip them in public *wow *....

b) The second types are the oh-so-sophisticated types!!! How?? Ok..so a girl approaches..passes…and they blurt out “oh god…Pamela Anderson”. I told you the high society types!!! They will stare at you right there. Guys, the tee won’t just pop down!! For god’s sake…and when your “behind” is “in front” of them, they will be singing “Jlo”. * feels like putting them to the Gallows*….shouts *you skunk scented human…pig’s shit…having izzzat worse than a fly sitting on a hippopotamus, flea on dog’s hair, a germ worse than pseudomonas. blah blah blah.. *

No this doesn’t mean that girls feel they are the aishwaryas of the world, to think that every guy on the street catch a glimpse of them..nmnm..actually they do. They will “turn around” and look at you. And the guys on bikes..they are so in danger to lose their lives..one wink and lo, they are “la la la”. They seriously look at you while riding bikes!!! Nothing in world matters!!! And if you are wearing a really body hugging tee and a mini, they are surely meeting the Yamraj!! * ho ho ho* …(Oooops sorry, its for Santa Claus, whats for Yamraj??)

How does it feel to Adam tease, sometimes I wonder, now the phrase is gaining so much popularity!! *

*Yeah, girls do eye guys, but their statements, yes I say statements, not comments, are much more…mnmn..i don’t know…we are like “oh, what a hunk..” or something like “ Shit, he is amazing” or “He is so cute (by the girly girly types)” or “wow” or ( add more!! )…see…we are decent!!! Decently er….amorous!!!!……nothing like “chikne” and all!!! *eeekkss *…..