Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fart Fart Away...

A note by the author:

“Fart Fart Away is my first ever short travelogue. Though I say it is a travelogue, I have tried to encompass the sarcastic realities of the world. I would like to mention here, that the place I visited was a very mystic one, the existence of which is known to a few. I got to know about this place by a friend of mine and after hearing his delirious narrations, I decided I would follow suit.”


by shamanth huddar
Farting away all my gas without having to worry about keeping it silent, the smile on my face with my eyes closed, clearly reflect the serenity I attain every time I visit Fart Fart Away. After having read this spectacular travelogue by Manisha, I couldn't wait a minute longer to pack my shorts and set off to Fart Fart Away. Every word in here by the author paints such a vivid picture of the aforementioned land, that it makes me want to plan another trip to Farty Land and relieve my ass off! I sincerely request the readers of this wonderful travelogue to leave all their prejudices behind and open up to a refreshing experience unlike anything before.
May you fart all you want!

The friend said I should visit this land on the World Environment Day, so I did. I received a warm welcome from the people of the land named “Fart fart away”.

Curiosity gripped me, for the name was so unusual. I think the people sensed the curiosity and a person told me that he would be my guide for the tour.

On entering I was given a mask to be worn around my nose. I asked, when no one did, why should I? The guide told me that the air here smelled of fart, and I wouldn’t be able to bear it. No questions asked, I did so. Everything seemed so weird…

The guide started.
Legend says, that the people of the world had ousted a woman, since she propagated the uses (what?) of farting extensively, and never took any treatment for her fart-problems. Primeval texts say that her fart was the cause of many people’s death and since her aggression couldn’t be curbed and since there was no law, under which she could be tried for ‘death by fart’, she was thrown out of this world.

Avenging her insult, she proclaimed a land of her own, somewhere near the vicinity of the earth. Initially, she built her empire with the help of cows whom she named as co-warriors (sfart….er…I mean smart, eh?). Any one restraining her efforts would be killed under excess release of methane by cows. Away from the prying eyes, she brought her followers from the World to the historic land, which she named, so aptly, Fart Fart Away, in the year 3000E.F.(Era Of Fart) (since A,B,C & D was already taken by World).

Ok, now I ask him why they said I should visit on the world environment day. He said, “we have grown up in the world. It is our onus to do our bit by stopping methane emissions to celebrate this day, though our emissions don’t reach the world, we have to do our bit.”

What do you people do over here except farting freely, I ask. The guide says, “We still are in cahoots with the worldly people. Prisoners who have committed grave crimes are deported here (I never knew that!) for life sentence and here, we put them in a cell with ahem fart-gas!! They die rotting.” He gives a wicked smile. I check whether my mask is in place. I come to know that even people here are trained as executors to kill the prisoners. People with high levels of acidity who can’t stop farting are specialized in this work. (ridiculous, it may seem but true).

Well as I move around this scarcely populated land, I see there are ‘no fart zones’ too. I give out a loud snort. The guide gives me an angry stare. Why are these for? He describes. Even these guys can’t live with their own body defilement day in and day out. These zones are a way to relax and cost a lot per stay.

I stop a man on his tracks and ask him about his history. “Those humans, why do they call themselves that? I was ridiculed by my own people in the world. They used to laugh at me, point fingers at me and say, this is the man who farted when he was asked what special skills he had. What they didn’t see was, it was a way of expressing myself, and not everyone could do it. I am happy and satisfied here. This is my shelter.”

Teary eyed he walks off.

Then my guide takes me to the most sought after place in this whole land- Farty Time!

I enter in this eerie club, and what I hear sweeps me off my feet. They play an orchestra. No, not with pianos, no guitars……with their butts!!! Yes, the different range of tempos, the different density and variation of farts, take me to an altogether different musical ecstasy.

Well, since the day is about to end, my guide says I should leave. I wonder, a fart by any other name would smell as ghastly, but these people give it a beautiful name (at least after the musical wonder). Ever heard any other beautiful example of ‘restoring the honor’?